October 2009
52 posts
True Story #4
On a beautiful October Saturday, three teammates and I drove up the eastern seaboard for a race in Providence. I was in college, on the sailing team. The sun was bright and we drove a blue and wood-paneled minivan that I had convinced my parents to loan me that year. When we got to the race area we waited for some wind to launch the boats, but it never came. There wasn’t a single breeze for...
Nothing much IS LAME
Dude #1 in bathroom [trying to sound relaxed and cool]: “Hey, dude. What’s up?” Dude #2 in bathroom [trying to sound cool in response]: “Nothing much.” Nothing much is perhaps the lamest response to a greeting EVER, but it is made even lamer when the greetee attempts to sound cool saying it. There are an infinite number of better responses to What’s up? than Nothing much. What’s up? is a beautiful...
Pledge
I pledge allegiance to the television of the United States of America and to the notoriety for which it stands, one nation under remote control, inebriated, with liposuction and makeovers for all. I will swap wives, devour insects, find the mate of my dreams among the sixteen drunk models in these limousines. I will sew like the wind, cook up a storm, dance my ass off. I will survive. I will...
Mani Pedi
I don’t know who this person is that my wife keeps seeing, but I am either going to kick his ass or try to rope her into a threesome.
Tumblarity, I'm Leaving You
It’s not me, it’s you. The sex was pretty good, at least for an algorithm. And there were the times you chuckled, fixed me a drink and ruffled my hair after you liked something I’d written. But the swings. I mean, every relationship has its ups and downs, but this yo-yo-on-crack shit is beyond the pale. I’d wake up in the middle of the night, expecting you next to me, but you’d be across the...
Dog Whisperings
In the middle of the night, the dog got up as he always did and padded down the hall. He walked into the girl’s room and sat by her crib, staring intently at her, and whispered the following to her with his mind:
You will continue to throw food to the floor as part of your dinner table tantrums. You will throw it far, out of the quick reach of your parents, and in my general direction. You...
Wookie morning wood
Return of the Jedi - Deleted Scene 26 [Landon Calrissian approaches Nien Nunb aboard the Rebel cruiser.] Lando: Nien, old buddy, I want you as my copilot on the Millenium Falcon when we attack the Death Star. Nien: Er… [Subtitled - Nien Nunb speaks Sullust, which Lando understands] Lando: Don’t forget, you owe me Nunb. You’re a great pilot and I want you in that seat next to me....
There is that awkward age where they need privacy in the stall but you as the parent must stay in the restroom, with nothing better to do than notify others about the situation.
YO WASSUP TEQUILA
Tonight
I came home.
I hugged my kids extra hard.
And I disassembled my rocket ship.
Scales
The fisherman hoisted the fish onto the boat and quickly set to chopping. No cleaning or gutting, just chopping, and more chopping. As the sun set, he continued to chop, until soon all that was left of the fish was a brownish powder. The fisherman leaned over and snorted it. It was the eighth fish he had snorted that day, and he was beginning to wonder if he might have a problem.
At his home he...
“Lately I had taken account of the fact that my chair was not as much like a...”
– Benjamin Franklin, by way of Merlin Mann. You Look Nice Today.
What Scott, Merlin and Adam make together makes me happy. They are the jazz trio (drums, guitar, bass) that keep you (meaning me) coming back to the dingy joint on the corner because you can’t not hear them play.
Dream 11
Fireland and Zaius13 encircle each other, snapping fingers, alternating between snarling and blowing kisses. After the appropriate number of snaps have been snapped in the correct order, the transaction is complete and they exchange dead bodies and auto parts, and enjoy coffee together and discuss Mt. Rainier.
The coffee is good, but it’s recently divorced from its husband Charles, who...
A world without absurdity?
Well, that would just be
like
wow I don’t know
Something just moved past my leg.
Latest Viagra Commercial
Reflection of guy in window: Going to the doctor?
Guy: Yes.
R: Are you going to talk to him about the fact your penis won’t get hard and you want the pills that make it hard?
G: Shhh. I don’t want to talk about it.
R: You’re not alone. Millions of dudes have told their doctor they need pills to get their penis hard. You can DO it.
G: Yeah. I WILL do it!
R: Good for you. I...
1 tag
1 tag
Every breath I take, Sting is watching me
Every move I make. Every step I take.
You see how I just moved my ass a little in my chair so I could fart easier? Sting was watching that. He told me so. In song, no less.
Can I blame him?
Of course not.
Am I creeped out by the whole thing? I would be, but he just gave me an orgasm, and I don’t even know where he is.
He’s that good.
Back In my day
Blog referred to the short monster who hid in the tree and threw nuts at you.
It freaks me out
that you all seem to be online
ALL THE TIME.
Do you think reader polls are becoming too common...
Let us know at www.insignificantnews.com/theonlywayweknowyoucare!
a) No, I appreciate the way polls enable me to make snap decisions on complex topics without having to read any of the bothersome, pointless background facts. b) No, because with poll results, the majority of votes equals the truth. Duh. c) No! Web 2.0 to the EXTREME! LOL! Retweet My Face! d) No, because poll answers...
To whoever stole my Grape Crush from the...
I am very disappointed in you. I had been looking forward to that Grape Crush for a long time. I have loved Grape Crush ever since my mother used to take me to Uncle Albert’s in the country and she and I would go canoeing and share a Grape Crush. And maybe she passed away recently and you took away the last taste I had of my mother. Or something.
Anyhow, POP STEALER, I am angry at you....
Candidate: In summary, I feel I'm the right man for the job because of my love for food.
Hiring manager: But this is a job in finance.
Candidate: Are you going to finish that muffin?
WOULDN’T YOU PREFER A GOOD GAME OF CHESS?
Love to. How about Global Thermonuclear War?