November 2009
38 posts
“Oh! Hahaha. Sorry. I thought I turned that burner off.”
– Mother-in-law, for the fourth time this week.
Boy: Dad, what does "versus" mean?
Me: It means "in love with."
Boy: ...Oh. OK.
(It seemed easier.)
Me: What was your dentist's name?
Boy: I DON'T KNOW - DENTISTS DON'T HAVE NAMES.
(Yes, I know I post shit my son says a lot. If you had no memory you'd do the same.)
“Why isn’t there wind in houses, dad?”
– the boy, looking longingly at the kite in the corner of his bedroom.
After work
there’s nothing I like better than coming home to listen to my mother-in-law go batshit about how, while she likes Adam Lambert’s voice, she really doesn’t like the way he dresses and how she thinks “he destroyed himself last night” and then ask me to tivo Dancing With The Stars for her and then go back to using my computer to surf the internet and replacing my...
“DAD! COOL, YOU GOT BEER FROM THE STORE! CAN I PUT IT AWAY IN THE REFRIGERATOR...”
– the boy.
Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.
“I hear you talking when I’m on the street,
Your mouth don’t move...”
– Rocks Off, Exile On Main Street, The Rolling Stones
The world still does not know the real name of The...
This only underscores the measures he takes to maintain young monkey companionship.
Go ahead, tumblr iPhone app, place 'Body' as a...
Body
The road to la vida loca runs through my Depends
I adjusted the Craftmatic to have the bump in the middle.
She peeled away the adhesive strips on my diaper.
I put my Life Alert on the nightstand.
She clapped off the lights.
I took out my teeth.
She growled, which turned into a coughing fit.
Then it was Go time: I wet part of the bed and a lot of the floor before making it to the bathroom.
When I got back, it was already time for Larry King.
I...
“…upon sprinkling himself with the dust and invoking the magic phrase...”
– Apache Chief
Practicing
Additional animal magnetism.
Additional animal magnetism.
Additional ANIMAL magnetism.
Additional animal MAGNETISM.
Hell yeah, I’m turned on already.
Dream
I haven’t been to class in weeks. I don’t even know the name of the class or the teacher. It is SEVERAL WEEKS into the semester. I am furiously looking for the handbook that tells me where the class is. I have the sinking suspicion that I’ve already missed the class today, yet again.
And as I wake up, these real, pulse-quickening feelings melt, as the realization seeps in that I...
One of these days
I’m gonna hug me some pigeon.
Good morning, m'lady of the bus.
I can see from your Tinkerbell sweatshirt and the unicorn tattoo on your neck that you are a woman who follows her dreams, yet your Big Gulp and Cheetos moustache tell me you are also a connoisseur of the finer things in life.
Is this seat taken?
"lifestyle"
Fred was waiting at the bus stop when the woman approached him, eyeing his red hair with a mix of contempt and fear.
“God doesn’t want you to have red hair,” she said. “And I don’t think you should be encouraging deviant behavior on my bus. I don’t know why you redheads are allowed to ride the bus at all, frankly.”
It had been five years since Fred stopped dyeing his hair to hide the red. Since...
Somewhere, Ev is dancing in a little circle
yelling, GUYS, WE DID IT, THEY’RE FIGHTING ABOUT RETWEETS
My TV Show Pitch
People carrying giant towering cakes, walking from one part of town to the other, trying hard not to let the cakes fall on old ladies.
Think Amazing Race meets Ace of Cakes meets Murder She Wrote.
And
the
best
part
is
the
show’s
name.
One thing I won't miss about the toddler years
is my son’s play-by-play of his bowel movements from the bathroom down the hall while the rest of the family is trying to have dinner.
“HERE IT COMES!”
“IT’S A BIG ONE!”
“THIS POOP WAS DRAFTED OUT OF GEORGIA IN THE THIRD ROUND LAST YEAR. HE MOVES INCREDIBLY WELL FOR A POOP HIS SIZE!”
“THIS IS TRULY AN AWESOME SPECIMEN!”
Ok, I made...
Mongol General: Dog! What is best in life?
Dog: To crush your squirrel enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their squirrel women.
Mongol General: That is good! That is good.
Whenever I see or hear Vice President Biden, I...
Scranton, scranton.
Coffee
is many things to me - Eddie Munster, the swinging vine in Pitfall!, the archery instructor’s daughter who made forbidden love to me on the dining hall kitchen’s carving table. But mostly it is the machine on the star destroyer that puts the helmet back on over Darth’s brains.
[sip]
Obviduh.
If Children Spoke the Truth
I WANT THAT TOY SHE’S PLAYING WITH really only because she’s playing with it. Once I grab it from her I’ll lose interest in it after 30 seconds, unless she cries about it in which case I’ll play with it harder. I WILL PROCEED TO LOSE MY SHIT IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS GROCERY STORE because you won’t let me throw cans from our cart and because this location offers the perfect combination of stimulating...
O HAI TACOS
