August 2009
28 posts
Floss
A long while back I was flossing and got stuck between the mandibular second premolar and mandibular first molar. I tugged and tugged and it came loose and a little man came flying out of my mouth, hit the mirror, and fell next to the sink. He stood up, grabbed his crotch with one hand and pointed up with the other, shouting, “Woohoohoo!” “How long have you been in there?” I asked. “Since you...
The real reason I switched to a Kindle
I, like my daughter, too much enjoy ripping pages from books for the sheer pleasure of it.
“One day Mamma said “Conrad dear,
I must go out and leave you here.
But mind...”
– Project Gutenberg eBook of Struwwelpeter, Merry Stories and Funny Pictures, by Heinrich Hoffman
What the fuck? I mean, seriously, what the fucking hell?!
I’m not sure which is worse, this one or the next one about the kid who wouldn’t drink his soup and so he died.
On second thought, I think I’ve...
That was *my* Xerox contract.
I’d been working my ASS off for that contract. And you assholes swooped in and took it from me. You smiley assholes. I hope your happy, smilies.
I HOPE YOUR HAPPY.
An Apology
Dear coworkers,
As part of my disciplinary workplan, I’ve been asked by our vice president to send you this note addressing the recent condition of the men’s room and the corresponding odor in the west hallway, and to apologize.
The root of the issue is the auto-flush urinals in the men’s room. As many of you are aware, these urinals are designed to flush once the user finishes urinating and...
LUCY KATE ROCKSTAR
How To Act Casual When Coworkers Spot You Perched...
1) Lighten The Mood: Try farting. This tends to elicit chuckles, and is especially useful if the elevator is traveling down, as odor tends to rise. You may reconsider if the elevator is traveling up, as your potentially nervous coworkers may become perturbed.
2) Feign Distraction: Take out your iPhone and comment on this year’s orange crop. NOTE: Should only be attempted by those with a...
Yes, I do. I do indeed feel you.
I'll have what he's having, please.
“And the lizard is hanging from his tree from his long tail. But the tail is curved up and when he uncurls it he drops down to eat ladybugs from the ladybug river. Whoop, down he goes again to eat the ladybugs. And he has to eat 15 ladybugs. He can’t eat 4. And after he eats 15 ladybugs he crawls back up into the tree and he burps and he turns into a big butterfly. Thats what happens...
Recipe
1 cup Malibu rum
1 cup boiling water
4 tablespoons Bill Cosby’s soul
Mix hot water and Bill Cosby’s soul. Add rum. Pour into 2 ounce cups. Serve after Bill Cosby’s soul has settled.
Cloudmoney
mrgan: [excerpt]
Why not speak to a man as if he were a man - none of this couldn’t nonsense. Could, of course, but didn’t, and why? Whence comes satisfaction in a time such as this? Whence comes reassurance? If this is all you have for us, why have anything at all? If this is your error message, what do you have for justice?”
__
I love this.
My Thoughts on the Meaning of Tumblr, Twitter, and...
Hahaha just kidding.
momma cooked a breakfast with no hog
“But how the hell can a person
Go to work in the morning
Come home in the...”
– “Angel From Montgomery” John Prine, 1971
Whenever I hear this song the room gets dusty and as such my eyes well up.
Tell us the songs that make your eyes well up.
Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.
You can tell by the way I use my walk, I’m a woman’s man, no time to talk. No time to talk at all. Check. Me. Out. Using my walk. Out of my way, woman! I don’t have time to talk to you. I’m a *woman’s* man. You can tell. Observe. I am using my walk. Using my walk. You only have one walk to use. Use it or lose it. And I don’t even wan’t to talk about what would happen if I lost my walk. Hell, I’ve...
You guys know when January is, right?
(via weselec)
yep. still, in.
That Moment
When the sprinting slows to a trot,
when the labored breathing turns to an exasperated grunt,
when his arms flop angrily to his sides like a flightless bird,
when his hope c r u m b l e s against the sad reality that he won’t make it,
as
the
bus
pulls away.
And the only thing more beautiful than seeing it
is seeing it
from the
inside
of the bus.
[Not that it isn’t obvious]
With love to all, don’t for a second EVER let anyone’s online comments take away ANYTHING from what you experienced IRL. IRL moments are shiny, real, rich in nutrients and GUARANTEED.
I’ve been reading what’s been said on Tumblr lately, and I’ve been thinking about this for a while. And feel free to take what I say with a grain of salt, because what I’m writing here is mostly for me, but its something that I feel needs to be said. Here’s the thing:
BOOBIES.
He Sure Has A Lot Of Robes
Damn, Jesus makes a stiff Sex On The Beach, thought Uncle Sam, and he squirted more lighter fluid on the grill. Out on the lake, a jetski zoomed by, the confident buzz of its motor temporarily drowning out the Madonna pulsing from the pool patio speakers.
“Hey Jesus,” Uncle Sam yelled up to the balcony, after a long pull from his drink, “do you have any Ramones?”
But...