October 2009
52 posts
September 2009
27 posts
Get out of my face, salad.
One of the many problems with salad is that it takes the mystery out of lunch. I want something like a sandwich or burrito that, before the dance, I can undress with my eyes.
And don’t try to tell me that salad dressing is like a dress. Salad dressing is just poorly applied hair gel.
Bag of Worms
In a work meeting the other day, an overwhelmed lady said she didn’t want to “open a whole new bag of worms.”
I’m not sure she realized her error, but I thought a moment about how, while just a different worm-housing vessel, a bag of worms sounds so less dignified than the correct can of worms. A can is solid, impermeable, whereas a bag is flimsier – a bag might allow the worms’...
HI DAD! DID YOU BRING US A MAGIC KITE? No, I didn’t, kids. I almost got one today, but I couldn’t. HOW ABOUT SOME FOOD? WE’RE HUNGRY! Well, I was *this* close to grabbing some raisin bread, but… Children, go to bed. Maybe we’ll eat tomorrow. BUT MOM- Now, children. I need to speak with your father. AWW, OK. GNIGHT MOM! GNIGHT DAD! Goodnight, kids! I’m sick of...
Odd
And it’s odd how it happens, said the Cock in the Hat, how these people could have such an impact like that, with their jokes and their silly and their down-to-mars views, you tune in to them more than you do to the news. You start to look forward to this stream of absurd, spurring you, too, to dabble in the play of the word. And they do more than dance in one-hundred and forties- they draw...
WatchRy’s (4yo) directorial debut. Director to Director of Photography: “I made this movie studio, where people are watching a movie. I want you to take a movie of the movie studio where you point the camera at the movie studio and move in on the mommy. I’ll play the drum and you play that thing [a gourd harp instrument]. Press the button!” Ry: set design, narration, drums,...
Still lost! BUT I LOVE THE BUS!
I’M ON THE BUS!
AND I’M LOST!
It's easy to become a superhero.
It’s even easier to become a supervillain who will serve as your superhero’s archnemesis. (Do you know how boring it is to seek out criminals, as opposed to just going out and committing crimes? Especially if you’ve busted small-time crooks for a while as a superhero, you see all the ways those crimes could be committed better. And, when you start wreaking havoc as your...
Things You Never Want To Hear From Your Dentist
“But my real passion is taxidermy.”
“Whoops.”
“Hold on, I need to get a special tool for this.”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAhaha! I’m so horribly lonely.”
“Golly, that is a lot of blood.”
“Ok, great, for this next procedure you’ll need to remove your pants.”
Time
If I could save time in a bottle, I’d want it to be one of those new plastic bottles with the wide cap at the bottom of the bottle, so you don’t have to hit the bottle several times to get the good time out, you just squeeze once and out comes the time.
And I’d want to keep it in my shower, next to my other stuff. That way I could shampoo, condition, and time.
I had the best...
Running
To maintain form while I’m running, I imagine there is a giant fish hook caught in the top of my abdomen and I’m being pulled forward by a giant invisible fisherman.
To maintain speed, I imagine my children are following me.
I love running. It’s so pleasant.
BE STILL
And when he came to the place where the wild things are I’m not going to tell you again stop jumping on the bed they roared their terrible roars because you might jump on your sister and because I SAID SO and gnashed their no julia no don’t touch dada’s wine glass terrible teeth DON’T TOUCH THE GODDAMNIT sorry goshdarnit don’t touch the glass honey see it...
sure as hell →
There are several astonishing quotes in this NY Times article but this one:
Chris Stigall, a Kansas City talk show host, said, “I wouldn’t let my next-door neighbor talk to my kid alone; I’m sure as hell not letting Barack Obama talk to him alone.
That one flabergasts me. That statement is such a steaming pile of dumb. That such thick, irrational people have a mouthpiece like a radio talk show...
WatchThis may have been posted a xillion times on here already, but “smells like camping.” SMELLS LIKE CAMPING.
Arrive Having Eaten: Plum Pudding Sunrise
thedayhascome:
I was honored to be a special guest on my favorite podcast, Arrive Having Eaten. I recorded this while still in the hospital with Lucy while she recovers.
This episode is released in two parts. Part one is the main podcast that will show up on the feed that’s just like a normal interview episode; part two is downloadable from here and consists almost entirely of my update on how...
silly dog, you can’t do yoga with me.
ok, you can do that pose.
hm, that one too.
fine. get your limber ass out of my face, deathbreath.
More fish sticks, please.
STAY ON TARGET