“Hey!” I said to the hipsters. ”You guys got the deep v-necks on!? I got the deep v-neck on too! Let’s hang out!”
They glanced over at me for a second and then looked away in disgust. ”God…” they muttered.
“What!?” I asked, pretending not to know that my testicles were resting on the base of my super duper deep v-neck.
They left soon after that, leaving me alone on the curb.
“I might not be wealthy or cool or even particularly intelligent,” I said to myself. Then I tried to finish that thought with something good, but I couldn’t think of anything.
(Follow Tom if you’re not, idiots.)
During sex, sometimes things start moving along a little too quickly. When that happens I try the trick that has been handed down through generations of mediocre lovemakers: to prolong the experience, think of something really unsexy. For me, the big problem with this strategy is that by the time it occurs to me to try it, it’s usually too late. The train has already left the station.
Which means that, during the moment of truth, of all the people in the world, the person I’m most likely picturing is someone from the 2001 New York Yankees.
For god’s sake don’t let Gruber see this.
These are for Alison, who used to be a nice girl but Twitter broke her brain and turned her into a robot.
- Glee: the show for when you’ve found your remote but lost your penis.
- I had the same identity struggles in high school as they do in Glee - do I want to be quarterback or adorable token handicapped kid?
- I can’t watch Glee anymore without my vagina singing along to all the words.
- Glee got me so gay for Jane Lynch I may need to marry Scott Simpson.
Remember that scene in Footloose where they’re playing chicken on tractors? And he gets his shoelaces stuck on one of the pedals in the tractor?
Good thing he wasn’t wearing loafers driving that tractor. Because then he would’ve looked like a total asshole.
Movieparts.biz Issue #1
I was thinking today of some of my favorite parts of movies. Not necessarily the top 100 movie quotes in the movie history of movies, just the parts that make me smile. For Issue #1, the ones above:
- “Kentucky Fried Movie” (1977)
- “CQ” (2001)
- “Annie” (1982)
- “Rushmore” (1998)
- “Leaving Las Vegas” (1995)
- “River’s Edge” (1986)
__
Adam, please* make this a semi-regular thing.
(Growing up my brothers and I would always mimic that Carol Burnett bit from Annie to each other and crack up laughing. I just spit out turkey sandwich watching it again. No, I don’t know why it’s so amusing to me/us, it just is. No, you’re strange.)
*Please.
As the stewardess hands you a packet of zesty snack mix, the baby two rows up begins to cry. The conversation in the row behind you kicks the stupidity level up a notch, and the overall din of the plane has begun to rise.
You reach into your bag for your in-ear squishy headphones to escape. It has been a long week of work meetings, you want this flight to end and connect with that person on the ground, hunger and fatigue are gnawing on you and you don’t need the extra teeth of the plane noise. You slide the headphones into your ears and press play, and as the squishy material seals against your skin, the plane noise is drowned out, your music flows into your brain like a lifeline and you can breathe again. The situation improves.
You see the packet of zesty snack mix on your tray in front of you, and as you reach to tear it open, the woman next to you offers you hers. You are hungry, so you accept. You tear open the packet, pour the zesty mix of pretzels, flatbread and cheetos in your hand, throw the mix into your mouth, and bite down – and you are deafened by the sound of your jaws crunching down on this mix. You actually wince in pain from the noise of the sound. Holy shit.
You sit for a moment with the uneaten zesty snack mix resting in your mouth, pondering your dilemma. You don’t want to take out your headphones and lose your lifeline, but keeping your headphones in means you will deafen yourself with each crunchy bite you take. You never thought you’d risk losing your hearing listening to your own jaws. You take another bite, hoping it was temporary. CRRRUNNNNNNCH. Ow. And making it worse is the fact that each jaw-avalanche drowns out the music.
So your decision is to suck. You sit in your seat for the rest of the flight and suck through two packets of zesty snack mix, waiting for your saliva to slowly soften each small bite of mix to swallowable form. You have cocooned yourself and you are hungry, so you do what you must. You sit and look out the window, sucking on snack mix, watching the sun set, and wait for the plane to land.
