Say "what" again.

There are times, when the smell of spring is distant but discernible through the open car window,...

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 21:35:33 -0500

There are times, when the smell of spring is distant but discernible through the open car window, and the bass of the song on the radio is pulsing through your legs just so, and the moon is rising yellow oval over the horizon, and your fangs slide out of your jaw into place with that comfortable click, when everything feels just RIGHT.

Run

Sun, 07 Mar 2010 17:57:48 -0500

I run.

The paved trail winds close to our house and is used by bikers, runners, and walkers. Today is a nice day so a lot of people are out. Since the trail is narrow it’s best to run without headphones so you can hear bikers signaling to pass on days like this.

I hear a dog on a leash growl at a squirrel.

I hear a man tell his colleague he appreciates how a certain politician carries himself on television.

I hear birds overhead singing in clusters. The branches of the trees on both sides stretch over the trail in places, forming a tunnel when they bloom.

I hear an older lady tell her colleague how frustrated she is that the clerk would only return her the sales price on the cardigan she took back.

I hear a woodpecker slam his head into a tree, as fast as a machine.

I hear a woman tell her colleague how that was the boy she voted for three times on American Idol, she tried five times and got through three, that boy sang so well and she loved his shirt.

And I run.

"I am a genius."

Sun, 07 Mar 2010 13:04:00 -0500

“I am a genius.”

- @just_alison, out of context.

Photo

Sat, 06 Mar 2010 15:46:18 -0500

jessieshmessie: samhey: Working on the clip for Criterion, my...

Fri, 05 Mar 2010 20:47:23 -0500

jessieshmessie:

samhey:

Working on the clip for Criterion, my son walked by, saw this image and asked, ‘Dad, how did you get Monkey to think?’

HEYSAM REAL ORIGINAL USE OF STOP ANIMATION AND THE MAPLE LEAF RAG !

Great minds think alike, Shmessie. Great minds. I claim complete ignorance of that film, but it is lovely and very well made. Only problem now that you’ve made the connection is that I will forever associate Delicious Monster with handjobs. Kind of gives new meaning to the name.

Working on the clip for Criterion, my son walked by, saw this...

Fri, 05 Mar 2010 11:05:59 -0500

Working on the clip for Criterion, my son walked by, saw this image and asked, ‘Dad, how did you get Monkey to think?’

atsween: Twitter: The Criterion Collection What if Twitter…...

Fri, 05 Mar 2010 00:00:50 -0500

atsween:

Twitter: The Criterion Collection

What if Twitter… came to life?

We asked some of our friends to film their favorite tweets. We didn’t care how they did it. They could read it. They could act it. They could do it with puppets. Whatever they wanted. The only rules were it had to be a tweet written by someone else and it had to contain the entire tweet and nothing but the tweet.

This is what they gave us.

We hope you enjoy it.

@poeks & @sween

4 things I thought when I first watched this.

1) They keep the pussy in tupperware.

2) The AFTERSLAP. It’s the afterslap.

3) I love the video camera on Theresa’s flip-phone.

4) When Jason goes to the beach, how many else of you expected him to eat a fish? (you know, like a pelican)

Magnificent work, all. Jason and Jen, thank you for wrangling and for the idea. I’m honored to have some toots in this and to participate. Much love.

jasonpermenter: Happy Birthday, Bailey! Turns out it’s Bailey’s...

Wed, 03 Mar 2010 13:05:33 -0500

jasonpermenter:

Happy Birthday, Bailey!

Turns out it’s Bailey’s (@baileygenine) birthday today. Sam (@samhey) and I thought it might be nice if we gathered up a bunch of people to make her a group video card, with this little fill-in-the-blank script as the only direction:

“Hi Bailey! I think that you are [adjective]. For your birthday, I got you a(n) [adverb adjective noun]. Have a(n) [adjective] day - HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”

Happy birthday, Bailey. Your wonderfully strange friends love you.

Bailey brings out the funny and creative best in some very funny and creative folks here. (And I like to think that Jayden is wishing us *all* a poopy summer.)

Happy birthday Bailey!

I don’t know if I’ve told him this, but every time I...

Thu, 25 Feb 2010 20:27:44 -0500

I don’t know if I’ve told him this, but every time I see this image I picture Adam’s smiling face. (even if it’s a crappy toot.) Happy birthday, buddy. Thanks for bringing good things, including your smile, into our lives.

Photo

Thu, 25 Feb 2010 10:23:46 -0500

"And what do you get when people discover they make each other laugh? You get friends."

Thu, 25 Feb 2010 00:00:57 -0500

“And what do you get when people discover they make each other laugh? You get friends.”

- Jason Sweeney, all-around righteous dude.

Photo

Wed, 24 Feb 2010 23:17:28 -0500

tomoatmeal: “Hey!” I said to the hipsters. ”You guys got the...

Tue, 23 Feb 2010 03:06:50 -0500

tomoatmeal:

“Hey!” I said to the hipsters. ”You guys got the deep v-necks on!? I got the deep v-neck on too! Let’s hang out!”

They glanced over at me for a second and then looked away in disgust. ”God…” they muttered.

“What!?” I asked, pretending not to know that my testicles were resting on the base of my super duper deep v-neck.

They left soon after that, leaving me alone on the curb.

“I might not be wealthy or cool or even particularly intelligent,” I said to myself. Then I tried to finish that thought with something good, but I couldn’t think of anything.

(Follow Tom if you’re not, idiots.)

Happy birthday, Lucky & Kate! Totally whipped for you.

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 22:28:13 -0500

Happy birthday, Lucky & Kate! Totally whipped for you.

yourmonkeycalled: During sex, sometimes things start moving...

Sun, 21 Feb 2010 20:02:09 -0500

yourmonkeycalled:

During sex, sometimes things start moving along a little too quickly. When that happens I try the trick that has been handed down through generations of mediocre lovemakers: to prolong the experience, think of something really unsexy. For me, the big problem with this strategy is that by the time it occurs to me to try it, it’s usually too late. The train has already left the station.

Which means that, during the moment of truth, of all the people in the world, the person I’m most likely picturing is someone from the 2001 New York Yankees.

For god’s sake don’t let Gruber see this.

Glee Toots

Thu, 18 Feb 2010 09:31:21 -0500

These are for Alison, who used to be a nice girl but Twitter broke her brain and turned her into a robot.

- Glee: the show for when you’ve found your remote but lost your penis.

- I had the same identity struggles in high school as they do in Glee - do I want to be quarterback or adorable token handicapped kid?

- I can’t watch Glee anymore without my vagina singing along to all the words.

- Glee got me so gay for Jane Lynch I may need to marry Scott Simpson.

Monkey is making me uncomfortable.

Wed, 17 Feb 2010 19:31:36 -0500

Monkey is making me uncomfortable.

Remember that scene in Footloose where they’re playing chicken on tractors? And he gets his...

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 09:25:47 -0500

Remember that scene in Footloose where they’re playing chicken on tractors? And he gets his shoelaces stuck on one of the pedals in the tractor?

Good thing he wasn’t wearing loafers driving that tractor. Because then he would’ve looked like a total asshole.

lonelysandwich: Movieparts.biz Issue #1 I was thinking today of...

Mon, 15 Feb 2010 15:35:52 -0500

lonelysandwich:

Movieparts.biz Issue #1

I was thinking today of some of my favorite parts of movies. Not necessarily the top 100 movie quotes in the movie history of movies, just the parts that make me smile. For Issue #1, the ones above:

“Kentucky Fried Movie” (1977)

“CQ” (2001)

“Annie” (1982)

“Rushmore” (1998)

“Leaving Las Vegas” (1995)

“River’s Edge” (1986)

Adam, please* make this a semi-regular thing.

(Growing up my brothers and I would always mimic that Carol Burnett bit from Annie to each other and crack up laughing. I just spit out turkey sandwich watching it again. No, I don’t know why it’s so amusing to me/us, it just is. No, you’re strange.)

*Please.

Wait

Mon, 15 Feb 2010 12:37:40 -0500

As the stewardess hands you a packet of zesty snack mix, the baby two rows up begins to cry. The conversation in the row behind you kicks the stupidity level up a notch, and the overall din of the plane has begun to rise.

You reach into your bag for your in-ear squishy headphones to escape. It has been a long week of work meetings, you want this flight to end and connect with that person on the ground, hunger and fatigue are gnawing on you and you don’t need the extra teeth of the plane noise. You slide the headphones into your ears and press play, and as the squishy material seals against your skin, the plane noise is drowned out, your music flows into your brain like a lifeline and you can breathe again. The situation improves.

You see the packet of zesty snack mix on your tray in front of you, and as you reach to tear it open, the woman next to you offers you hers. You are hungry, so you accept. You tear open the packet, pour the zesty mix of pretzels, flatbread and cheetos in your hand, throw the mix into your mouth, and bite down – and you are deafened by the sound of your jaws crunching down on this mix. You actually wince in pain from the noise of the sound. Holy shit.

You sit for a moment with the uneaten zesty snack mix resting in your mouth, pondering your dilemma. You don’t want to take out your headphones and lose your lifeline, but keeping your headphones in means you will deafen yourself with each crunchy bite you take. You never thought you’d risk losing your hearing listening to your own jaws. You take another bite, hoping it was temporary. CRRRUNNNNNNCH. Ow. And making it worse is the fact that each jaw-avalanche drowns out the music.

So your decision is to suck. You sit in your seat for the rest of the flight and suck through two packets of zesty snack mix, waiting for your saliva to slowly soften each small bite of mix to swallowable form. You have cocooned yourself and you are hungry, so you do what you must. You sit and look out the window, sucking on snack mix, watching the sun set, and wait for the plane to land.